I have spent the last several years sitting in a wheel chair wishing I would die. I have several broken bones in my body and PTSD from years of childhood sexual and physical abuse. I have experienced physical pain for as long as I can remember. Before I had a stroke and subsequent seizures, I had been a very powerful woman. I was a teacher, an artist and a social activist. Now I had given up hope. I became a shut in, and had shut all of my friends out. I would not answer the phone or emails. I felt useless.
On a whim, I opened an email from my very dear friend, Ljuba Marsh. She encouraged me to attend a woman’s retreat. I immediately recognized this could be good for me, so I registered.
I attended this retreat with considerable trepidation. I have a seizure disorder and was terrified that I would experience a seizure among strangers. When I arrived I was very defensive and a bit rude. Gabrielli approached me with a hug and I explained that I did not like to be hugged.
When I walked in to the first session I joined a circle of women. I started to relax as we began introductions. The four founders of the group were sitting together. I immediately recognized that they represented the 4 elements; earth, air, fire and water. I began to realize that each leader brought something unique to the group.
I explained to the group that I might have a seizure and was assured that this was not a problem and that seizures were nothing to apologize about. As we went around the circle I realized that each woman also brought unique skills and concerns to the group. I felt very comfortable when one woman mentioned that she also had a seizure disorder. She had been without seizures for a year. She explained to the group first aid for seizures.
The women were young and old. A mother and daughter were present. They all shared openly and told us what they wanted to get from the experience. I explained that I wanted to WANT to be alive.
We were given notebooks and encouraged to record our thoughts and reactions. We were also urged to use art supplies. As the weekend progressed we participated in an amazing variety of activities designed to heal our physical, emotional and spiritual creativity. Yoga, Tai Chi, music, breathing exercises, work with crystals and techniques for recognizing our primal brain functions and changing them were among the wide variety of services provided.
At one point in the workshop, I began to feel very threatened, anxious, and worried that I was about to experience a fundamental transformation. My response was to have a seizure in the middle of the group. When I revived, I was surrounded by smiling faces, love, and warmth. I felt safe for the first time in my life.
Gabrielli came to understand what was happening to me. We went outside with Lori and performed a healing ceremony. It was a beautiful experience filled with warmth, light and color. At the end, I felt no pain, a sense of peace and an intense bewilderment.
I then had time to talk with each of the women individually. I was continuously impressed with their strength, the pain they were overcoming, and the pearls of wisdom they had shared with me.
Three days later I still feel no pain and I have not had a seizure. I have many new friends and I truly want to be alive.
I will always remember this experience and look forward to seeing everyone again.
With profound gratitude to all of you,
Kat
- Creative Paradigms Women’s Retreat 2009 attendee
